Life goes on ….

Life goes on ….

After one weak attempt at blogging 9 months ago, I am back.  In my first post, we had just found out we were expecting a baby boy, Paul.  Before I was even pregnant with him Micah and I often talked about Paul as if he were some mythical creature that we dreamed up … you see, we have 3 beautiful  girls and had pretty much thought having a boy just wasn’t in the cards for us.  Fate had other plans and Paul Micah Gautraud thankfully arrived 10 days early on September 5, 2011.  The details of his birth are for a day when I am feeling a little bit braver because it was not good (at all) but I am sure that if he would have stayed in my belly any longer he would not be with us.

After his traumatic birth, Paul was diagnosed with moderate Hypoxic Ischemic Encephalopathy (HIE) … sounds ugly, huh?  Well, it is.  In laymen’s terms, his brain was injured due to lack of oxygen and blood.    This type of diagnosis leaves us in sort of a limbo because there is no way to know how our little Pauly will develop.  Only time will tell or rather Paul will.  

My heart hurts beyond any words that I could find to express the pain I feel for my sweet boy.  Some days, I don’t think I can go on another second but I think this is all part of the process.  The craziest thing happens when your world comes crashing down in one monumental second and it is simply that life goes on.  The world still turns and even though I am scared, the point is that although this certainly isn’t what I imagined, this is our life and I refuse to give into my fear.  Life isn’t for sissies.   I have learned more, loved deeper and discovered my ability to just accept what I cannot change.  I know that it won’t always be easy but we will survive.  And above all, I have learned to place my trust in God and just love Paul. 

The word miracle is thrown around a lot but I can tell you that I have actually witnessed a miracle.  I believe deep in my soul that Paul was sent very specifically to us exactly the way God meant for him to be.  He may or may not be physically and mentally handicapped but this much I know … he has and will do great things regardless of what his body is capable of.  Paul is my perfect gift from God and I am so thankful to be his mom.

Enjoy Paul swinging because he certainly is!