“When the heart weeps for what it has lost, the spirit laughs
for what it has found.”
-Sufi Proverb
When you give birth to a baby and they are much different
than what you expected them to be, there is often a process of letting go of
the child that you imagined you would have. You have to adjust the hopes of
dreams you have for them and come to terms with the fact that their life may be
much different than the one you envisioned … all of your lives may be different
than you envisioned. For me, I mostly burry these thoughts because
they are just to painful to process right now. Even as
I type, I am just skimming them in my mind.
The thoughts are so complex and jumbled that I don’t know if
I can accurately explain them in any cohesive manner. I don’t know if it makes sense even to me.
I have an image that whisks into my thoughts at unexpected
moments … I try to hold onto it and live in it for a few more seconds but it
drifts out just about as fast as it drifted in.
No matter how hard I concentrate … I cannot make it stay. It is vague in my mind but I see it for a
second and it is gone. Like a dream … or
a nightmare.
I see a little boy laughing, being chased my someone … maybe
his sister or dad. I see his chubby little
toddler feet hitting the floor with each step he takes. He is wearing a white t-shirt and shorts ..
no shoes. He has a little bit of drool
coming out of his mouth because he is giggling so excitedly. He runs behind a door and closes it. And he is gone.
A glimpse of the little boy that I thought Paul was supposed to be.
It is torture but yet I want to live in that image forever.
I am sad and angry and hurt but I make a choice every day to
be happy. I make the best of things and
celebrate this amazing little soul here with me and tuck the little boy I
expected away in my mind.
And, I wonder how I can mourn for a child that did not exist yet be so in love with the one in my arms.
